reflection

Friday, July 31, 2009

Heartsore

I’m having a heartsore moment. Not sure if heartsore is a word, but it works for me. The kids and grands just walked out the door of our Sunriver vacation rental and even though we’ll see them this evening at a concert in Drake Park, I’m feeling the loss already.

I just cleaned out the refrigerator, stuffing as much as possible into our ice chest. (I haven’t figured out how I’m going to lift it into the back of our vehicle yet.)

I have a few minutes before I need to leave to meet Gary, so thought I’d sit one last time on the back deck under the tall trees and capture my thoughts on computer. It’s cheap therapy. By journaling, I’ve saved Gary thousands of dollars in therapy sessions.   Gary and I will grab some dinner and meet the kids at Munch & Music this evening, and I will try not to think about saying good-by. Meanwhile, I need to go wrestle with a 100-lb ice chest.

Lilly and her grandpa

The Munch & Music crowd

P.S. to my earlier random thoughts: Munch & Music was great, despite the sudden thunder shower that passed overhead. Friends joined us on our blanket in the park and fun was had by all.

J&S and grands stopped by the Cancer Center today on their way to catch a red eye flight back to the East Coast. My co-workers finally got to meet the "phantom grandchildren." My boss, Peggy Carey, says I always talk about them and show photos, but they were never really sure if I truly had grandchildren. Now they know!

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Monday, July 27, 2009

In the moment

I’m sitting outdoors on the deck of a vacation rental home in Sunriver, a cup of orange spice tea steaming in the cool air, our oldest granddaughter bundled in a sweatshirt nearby and reading a book. The baby is still asleep, which allows the parents to sleep in a little, and our grandson is watching cartoons in the living room.

What a luxury it is to sit here – no office to report to and not a care in the world. If I put my mind to it, I could find a couple of cares to worry about. But I am not letting any worrisome thoughts anywhere near me on this day.

Sunriver is about 12 miles south of our hometown. With family visiting for a week and a tiny duplex, Gary and I searched online and found a reasonable vacation rental. He and I settled into the cabin Friday evening after work and our daughter and son-in-law and the grands joined us on Saturday.

We barbecued salmon and corn on the cob Saturday evening and our daughter made barbecued pizza for dinner last night – yum!

Lightweight cannonball

Our grandson was diagnosed with strep throat, so he's been lying low. The oldest granddaughter and I walked to the pool where I spent a lazy afternoon counting cannonballs made by the tiniest almost-3rd grader you ever saw.   We have a family Yahtzee contest going (I have been beaten soundly by the munchkins, but I'll  have my

revenge). We’ve watched iCarly and Sponge Bob and the Next Food Network Star. And the oldest granddaughter and I walked to Sunriver Village for tea –  Chai for me; bubble for her.

We’ve been cooking and eating and talking and laughing. Lots of laughter – especially at the baby who shakes her booty to music only she can hear!

Gary and I have to work the rest of the week, but we will drive here in the evenings, and then back to reality early each morning. And for this moment, I’m living in the present, feeling so blessed with family and hope and the unexpected fun of a vacation cabin nestled in the tall trees.

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Extended birthday present

You know those obnoxious kids who are given a treat and make it last a long time, much to the annoyance of their siblings who gobble theirs down right away? I was one of those kids.

That childhood skill, however, came in handy recently. As a birthday gift, my thoughtful and considerate husband (did I mention handsome?) arranged for an hour massage with a professional massage therapist, who also happens to be a good friend. And I came up with the brilliant idea of splitting it in two to make it last longer.

My birthday – a speed limit that you wouldn’t find in town, and that’s all I’m saying – was this past Sunday. Gary took me out to breakfast in the morning ... and later in the afternoon, we drove up into the mountains with a picnic lunch of fresh fruit, Turkey Reuben sandwiches from Café Yumm and oatmeal raisin cookies, which we ate as we watched kayakers and canoeists slip past our perch above Sparks Lake.
	South Sister partially obscured by clouds across from Sparks Lake

It was the perfect birthday – Gary even watched an old classic movie with me later in the evening. And the second half of my birthday gift is still coming up! Thanks, hon … you’re the best!

And thanks, JoJo of Zao Massage Therapy (Zao means, “To live, breathe, be among the living” … but it’s all Greek to me).

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Saturday, July 11, 2009

River traffic

We just spent the better part of the day with a group of survivors and caregivers. About 34 of us launched kayaks and canoes from the Sunriver Marina and floated lazily down the Deschutes River.

Mt. Bachelor shows above the tree tops lining the Deschutes River

The plan included a potluck barbecue afterward. I sat in the shade and chatted with a fellow caregiver, Mary, as we watched the activity – a couple of yard games in full swing, turkey burgers being grilled, people chatting around the patio table, the entire scene infused with laughter.

Mary leaned over and said, “It’s hard to tell who has cancer and who doesn’t.”

Which is precisely why we like hanging with this group, made up of DEFEAT Cancer attendees. Not because it’s my job to be there; not because we have nothing better to do; but because it’s always encouraging to be around people that are living well with cancer. And we are certainly blessed with an extraordinary group of cancer community friends that is doing just that.

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Munch & Music

They say there are 2-3 events almost every weekend in our hometown of Bend, Oregon. I think it’s to keep the tourists entertained (although I don’t see how they could have time for art festivals or concerts or quilt shows when there are so many mountains and trails and lakes).

	Drake Park entertainers	As if weekend events aren’t enough, Bend also hosts Munch & Music on Thursday evenings in July and August. Bring your own blanket and dinner—or buy something to eat from any one of the local vendors—and enjoy a free concert.    We got home from work a couple hours ago, ate dinner at home, and then walked down toward the river among the concert-goers  – catching some music, snapping some photos, stopping to watch the jugglers.

I love being outdoors, and if there isn’t enough time to hike mountain trails on a Thursday evening after work, we can at least meander through Drake Park, people-watching and swan-watching.   Comment
	Swans on Mirror Pond in Drake Park

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Dealing with the paparazzi

I’ve lugged our laptop in my backpack and am sitting in a little meadow overlooking Mt. Bachelor across Todd Lake. I can hear the shutter clicks of the paparazzi hovering nearby – no, wait … that’s Gary with his camera.

		Todd Lake is one of our favorite easy hikes because it has everything – mountain views, forested trails that stay within sight of the lake, wildflowers and, in the winter, snowshoe access from Mt. Bachelor. A little brook is babbling past my feet and I’m planning where to build our log cabin should the Forest Service change their minds and decide to issue a permit.
	Just another day at the office in Central Oregon

We attended a 4^th of July BBQ yesterday in honor of a couple that got married on July 3 in a small family gathering. The groom, Al Huntley, is founder of Wendy’s Wish in honor of his first wife who died of colon cancer; the bride, Marcia, is a lovely 2^nd grade teacher – the kind of person you like immediately. We wish them more happiness than they can contain.

Al barbecued enough salmon, chicken breasts and flank steaks to feed an army, and guests furnished salads, side dishes and homemade ice cream to top Al’s signature rhubarb cobbler.   After I took Gary around to introduce him to the few people I knew—I work with the Wendy’s Wish committee as part of my job—we settled ourselves with our dinner plates on a low stone wall and day-dreamed about what we wanted to do if we could retire and if finances weren’t an issue.   I told Gary that the problem is I want to do too many things: present our survivorship/quality of life message in cancer centers, conferences, and	Al & Marcia Huntley

college and high school classes full-time; teach a nutritional cooking course at Gilda’s Club in Manhattan; write more books; settle into a mountain-view lodge with access to trails and room for lots of guests interested in learning more about a healthier lifestyle – a cancer retreat center, of sorts.

Bottom line is, God has it all figured out and has already made provision. And our hearts are quietly at rest as we wait for open doors – whether that’s in an RV on the road, an apartment in Manhattan, or a country lodge with views much like what I’m seeing at the moment as I deal with the paparazzi.

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Saturday, July 4, 2009

Midnight cruise

For our anniversary, our daughter and son-in-law gave us a gift certificate for a midnight canoe trip. We waited until the local weather warmed up, and booked with Wanderlust Tours for last night. Of the eleven moonlight adventurers, Gary and I were the only locals (lucky us … I think the tourists were jealous).

		We canoed on Hosmer Lake with an almost full moon lighting the way. Hosmer is divided into two small lakes connected by a channel that winds through tall reeds and past the homes of beavers and waterfowl. As we quietly paddled, each bend in the channel brought amazing views of South Sister, Broken Top and Mt. Bachelor.
	Mt. Bachelor at dusk

When we reached the second lake, Jeff the tour guide, instructed us to parallel

park, holding on to each other’s canoes to make one large floating machine. He distributed hot chocolate and treats from Sparrow Bakery while pointing out several constellations and entertaining us with stories from Greek mythology.     We saw several shooting stars – meteorites, actually – one in particular that burned large and trailed long through the sky.   Happy birthday, America – you wonderful, big-hearted, free country … and what better way to bring in your birthday than on a moonlit mountain lake!   Comment

The moon reflected in Hosmer Lk

Friday, July 3, 2009

Behind red doors

I mentioned Gilda’s Club as one of the places we visited last week to discuss our survivorship message for possible use in their line-up of programs.

Gilda’s Club is named in honor of Saturday Night Live comedienne Gilda Radner, who was so appreciative of the emotional and social support she received while dealing with cancer that she envisioned a warm and welcoming community for cancer survivors – men, women, teens and children. Gilda died in 1989 and in 1995, the flagship clubhouse at 195 West Houston Street in Manhattan opened its red door ... and I do mean red!

Rhonda was our hostess for the meeting and gave us a tour through the bottom two floors of the lovely, old building behind its large mullioned bay window. The rooms are tastefully decorated and comfortably furnished. The cozy lending library boasts of computers, and a kitchen has been renovated with stainless steel appliances and beautiful wood cabinets. There are large living room spaces … and smaller spaces where doors can be closed for privacy, the overstuffed chairs inviting long periods of day-dreaming.

The clubhouse is staffed with professionals who are trained in supporting cancer survivors and their families. Volunteers facilitate knitting and exercise classes, and art and writing workshops. I found myself for a moment wishing I lived in NYC just so I could volunteer to lead a weekly class or workshop.

Which brings me to a brilliant idea that flashed through my brain today – what if, instead of just presenting our tag-team message when we return in the fall, we also do a nutritional cooking demo? I’ve always thought that if you get someone to slice and dice and taste nutritional foods, they're much more
	Gilda's Club Manhattan flagship

likely to change their eating habits than if you simply hand them a healthy recipe.

We could pre-purchase the ingredients, show up a little early to get things organized, and then pretend to be Food Network personalities, talking about all the components for healthy survivorship as we get the audience involved in stirring and tasting. How much fun would that be?!

I can’t wait to e-mail Rhonda first thing Monday morning!

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June 2009

Happy kind of exhausted

4:30am blog

Fat checkmarks

One of the benefits of cancer

Calm before the storm

Big picture thinking

May 2009

Back to the real world

Quick trip to the EC

Audacious living

Connecticut adventure

April 2009

Flat Stanley in Ory-gun

Baby steps

Four-day weekend

Soaring on wings

Sunbathing C.O. style

Real men wear pink

Fun in the CTC

March 2009

Live like you were dying

Day jobs

Connected

CAN Cancer

The power of one

February 2009

It's official

Fun with the medical professionals

To my valentine

Moments in Jersey

January 2009

Leaving on a jet plane

Scans ordered

Welcome to life

Insane residents

Back in high school

Engaged crowd

Out of the mouths of babes

Divine intervention

December 2008

Christmas via webcam

A merry little Christmas

Somewhere on purpose

Adventure and romance

Celebrate life

Imagine

Men and menopause

November 2008

My Thanksgiving list

Thanksgiving Eve

Roundabouts

How Starbucks saved my life

Training for Switzerland

Radio interview

Super colon

Thoughts on being invisible

The speed of a turtle

October 2008

Obligation of the cured

Cancer Adventures – the book

Blue and orange town

Hope Couture

First snow

Simple pleasures are the best

128 quilts

September 2008

Whale watching and kite flying

The new and relaxed Gary

The scenic route
Packing the essentials

One step at a time

PSA count celebration

August 2008

Frost in August

Reading list

Soaring Spirits

Checking in

9:30am rock band

Lingering

July 2008

Grand for a reason

Mickey Mouse pancakes

Survivorship is all the rage

Follow your dreams

Birthday weekend

Only in America

Unrelated goose incident

June 2008

Geese

Road trip

Friday night date

Tough day on the job

Best dad

Confession

Light bulb moment

Homesick

Amazing volunteers

May 2008

Countdown

Extended family

Testing the limits

Trailblazers

The last lecture

Mother’s Day thoughts

Welcome to our world, Lydia

Personal touch

April 2008

Dispensing goodness

Cancer community – Part II

Cancer community

Barn door analogies

Homemade soup day

Mice and tumors

Waiting room magazines

Weekend date

First entry